By JR Raphael
Contributing Writer, [GAS]
These days, many bosses are requiring a doctor’s note to take sick time off. So what can you do when you’re in desperate need of a mental health day but have no real ailment? Fear not, my friends: You don’t have to look far.
The sick day excuse has turned into a booming internet business. Some sites are selling customizable keys to freedom for as much as $20 a pop. Other services are lending a helping hand free of charge. Most of the companies claim the notes are “indistinguishable from the real thing” and are foolproof because of federal privacy laws that prevent employers from contacting your doctor.
So, without further adieu, here’s your cheat sheet to the world of online cheating:
Sites like the Sick Day Excuse Generator and Applehound Sick Day Excuse Creator offer up ways to help you stay home without spending any cash. Both sites’ programs lets you cycle through a variety of excuses — anything from having an asthma attack to having a sprained wrist or leftover pain from a root canal. One site also has a “Sounds of Sickness” audio loop that it suggests you play at a low volume from your cubicle the day before you disappear — maybe a tad melodramatic, but whatever works.
Five Steps to Success
You can get plenty of counsel at wikiHow’s “Calling In Sick” section. The page actually breaks down step-by-step how to successfully navigate the daunting task of the sick call, including fully-scripted conversations you can put to use. Some of these actually aren’t half-bad. There’s also a slew of tips, including one I thought I had invented years ago: lying with your head hanging over the edge of your bed to cause a rush of blood that makes you sound especially stuffy for your call.
The Big Dogs:
BestFakeDoctorsNotes.com claims to be run by a real doctor named — ready for this? — Dr. E.Z. Streat. Dr. Streat says he’s created many notes for his favorite patients over the years, so he figured he’d offer his kind services to the rest of us, too. For $15, you get a package of ready-to-fill-out notes for any malaise that fits your fancy, whether it’s a bad back or a bad tooth. Just what the doctor ordered. At least, if that doctor’s name happens to be E.Z.
TheFakeDoctorsNote.com offers a standard template you can buy for $10 and then fill out as you wish. The site notes that its never gotten a single complaint. It does not, however, note if it has ever gotten a single customer.
Click, Print, and Go
The most legit-looking of the pro excuse sites, PrintDoctorsExcuses.com lets you pick from a wide variety of forms that you can edit and print from Microsoft Word. You can even get a urologist’s note (note to self: avoid ever needing a real urologist’s note). These are all on sale “for a limited time” for $9.99.
Are these services actually worth it? Hey, that’s your call. I’ve gotta wonder how fantastic of a form they have that makes it better than something you could create yourself. Whatever your preference, though, there are plenty of options you can try — and if all else fails, you can always use the failproof instant pink eye trick. Sometimes the classic way is the best way.