The Mustache Manifesto:
So, you’ve decided to shave your mustache.
It’s not as straightforward as you might think.
First off, reconsider. Remember that the mouth brow remains the clearest expression of masculinity a man can have above his waist.
So, give it 24 hours. Do a few things that only a mustached man can do, like investigate a crime, or paint a mustache painting.
Next, let your woman touch your lip rug one last time. Assuming she doesn’t like it, make her touch it. Remind her what she’ll be missing.
Spend some alone time with your Flavor Savor. Pet him. Tell him a secret.
If, at this point, you’re still determined to annihilate your soup strainer, so be it.
Some guys go straight for the razor. That’s horseskat. This is a new experience for your face caterpillar, so you’ve got to be…gentle.
Start with scissors, and slowly cut away a few hairs here and there, speaking reassuringly to your lip blanket.
Once your Cookie Duster understands and accepts what’s happening, get it done.
Resist the temptation to indulge in temporary mustache shenanigans.
Now is the time to officially say goodbye to your booger broom. It’s normal to cry at this point.
Gather the shorn hairs together, and make a llammastache.
Finally, give your dearly departed dirt squirrel a traditional Viking funeral. Send him to the Nordic Gods of facial hair upon a flaming raft.
As regret inevitably sets in, don’t lose heart. Your grief is already nourishing the roots of your next nose neighbor. The cycle of mustache continues.