China Builds Jet-Propelled Super Soaker

Imagine, for only $456,000 (3 million yuan) you could build a squirt gun so powerful it could blast the skinny jeans off an army of hipsters before they could even say ‘Belle & Sebastian’. Now you know the awesome power that China’s Luoyang City’s fire department has at its command (insert maniacal laughter).

Made from a jet-fighter engine, this water bazooka is capable of spraying 4 tons of water per minute at a range of over 400 feet and can rotate a near-full 360 degrees. Although designed to fight skyscraper blazes, it probably won’t be long before it’s used to turn a peaceful political protest into the largest wet t-shirt contest ever. And just imagine how fast they can get all those stuck kittens out of trees! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…FWOOOSH!!! (No actual kittens were harmed in the writing of this post.)