Before Starbucks, before espresso shots, before your vegan coworker asked if you’ve “tried oat milk”, there was one lunatic with a pot of hot water, some mystery beans, and absolutely no regard for his digestive system.

This comedy sketch imagines the glorious moment when someone first decided to chug what can only be described as hot dirt juice… and then evangelize it like it was the elixir of the gods. It’s got everything: cow boob juice, involuntary pooping, existential anxiety, and a guy who hasn’t blinked in 72 hours.

Watch as the world’s first coffee addict explains why this dark, stinky liquid is totally worth the headaches, the tooth staining, and the racing heartbeat that makes your Fitbit scream.