GPS Underwear: Catch Me If You Can!

by Casey Lynn
Contributing Writer, [GAS]

Has your girlfriend been hard to track down lately? Do you suspect she’s been keeping her cell phone off on purpose? Or better yet–is it that you really just care about where her bra and panties have been? Well, then this holiday season you can give the gift that keeps on giving (off creepy stalker vibes): lingerie with a built-in GPS tracking system.

This is so many levels of loopy that I don’t even know where to start. First of all, feminists in Brazil (the home country of designer Lucia Lorio) are in an uproar, boycotting the undies and claiming that they’re nothing more than a modern-day, tech-savvy “chastity belt.” Lorio argues that her creation is nothing of the sort: “”This collection … is a wink to women and a challenge to men because, even if she gives him the password to her GPS, she can always turn it off.” Well, to her credit, it’s not as if a woman could get the lingerie as a gift and simply not realize that the tracker is in there.

“Wow, darling, thanks for this… incredibly ugly nightie. But what is weird little black box weighing me down on one side?”

“Pay no attention to that, sugar! You know them crazy avant-garde designers. Now make sure that you wear this all the time. Yes, even underneath your clothes.”

Lorio also points out that women may buy the lingerie for protection, possibly “programming it for partners themselves so they are safe on a night out alone.” Aha! So the woman gives her boyfriend the password to her GPS so that she can go out without him… in a transparent nightie.

The obvious question, of course, is why you would want a GPS in your lingerie, of all places. Hasn’t everyone seen True Lies? You sew the GPS tracker into the lining of her purse! Duh. That’s for the jealous husbands. And if you’re a woman really wanting protection, then you can carry it with you in some way that doesn’t include your having to wear an $800 nightie underneath your clothes… again, the purse is a nice choice.

If it weren’t for the designer trying so hard to explain the practicality, I’d think that maybe this was some sort of art piece or statement (or joke). As it is, I also find the feminist boycotting to be kind of amusing since I can’t see how this design is even good enough to oppress women.

“wherever there is danger,” the designer says, “the underwear may prove to be a lifesaver.” I say, no way, unless somehow we’ve started talking about Captain Underpants.