“Twitter is being used by vegetarians” says US military

By Mark O’Neill
Contributing Writer, [GAS]

The US military has concluded in a report that the online microblogging service, Twitter, could end up being used by terrorists to organise an attack or to communicate covertly with one another.

“Twitter has become a social activism tool for socialists, human rights groups, communists, vegetarians, anarchists, religious communities, atheists, political enthusiasts, hacktivists and others to communicate with each other and to send messages to broader audiences,” reads the document.

Since when have we thrown vegetarians into the terrorist category?!   If we’re counting vegetarians as “enemies of the state” then I’d better get my girlfriend locked up!   “My God!  She’s holding a carrot stick in her hand!   We’re all going to die!  Step away from the Twitter feed!”

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17 Responses to “Twitter is being used by vegetarians” says US military

  1. I’m a vegetarian, atheist who believes in human rights. Come lock me up because I’m covertly communicating with other people!

    And religious communities, so does that mean almost all of the world then?

    US military is more stupid than I realised.

  2. I'm a vegetarian, atheist who believes in human rights. Come lock me up because I'm covertly communicating with other people!

    And religious communities, so does that mean almost all of the world then?

    US military is more stupid than I realised.

  3. When they do start rounding us up, here are a few names to put on the list:

    Bill Cosby, Jack LaLanne, Hank Aaron, Mary Tyler Moore, Clint Eastwood, Carl Lewis, Dick Gregory, Doris Day, Bob Barker, and Dennis Kucinich. Don’t forget Chelsea Clinton (daughter of Bill & Hillary Clinton) and Lauren Bush (granddaughter of George H. W. Bush and niece of George W. Bush) – there’s nothing like locking up the President’s family for un-American dietary habits.

    The history books will need a few annotations as well, to note the veggorist leanings of: Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Henry Ford, Albert Schweitzer, Mahatma Gandhi, Richard Wagner, and Coretta Scott King.

    Perhaps the most surprising, though, is the one we all know and love, an icon who is an integral part of the American childhood experience, and who is still on government-funded children’s television five years after he passed away – Fred Rogers.

    We all know military intelligence is an oxymoron, but it takes a sick, twisted person to imply, even indirectly, that Mr. Rogers is a terrorist. With all due respect to his memory, I don’t think I want them to be my neighbor.

  4. When they do start rounding us up, here are a few names to put on the list:

    Bill Cosby, Jack LaLanne, Hank Aaron, Mary Tyler Moore, Clint Eastwood, Carl Lewis, Dick Gregory, Doris Day, Bob Barker, and Dennis Kucinich. Don't forget Chelsea Clinton (daughter of Bill & Hillary Clinton) and Lauren Bush (granddaughter of George H. W. Bush and niece of George W. Bush) – there's nothing like locking up the President's family for un-American dietary habits.

    The history books will need a few annotations as well, to note the veggorist leanings of: Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Henry Ford, Albert Schweitzer, Mahatma Gandhi, Richard Wagner, and Coretta Scott King.

    Perhaps the most surprising, though, is the one we all know and love, an icon who is an integral part of the American childhood experience, and who is still on government-funded children's television five years after he passed away – Fred Rogers.

    We all know military intelligence is an oxymoron, but it takes a sick, twisted person to imply, even indirectly, that Mr. Rogers is a terrorist. With all due respect to his memory, I don't think I want them to be my neighbor.

  5. Speaking of Chelsea Clinton:

    There is bad news about her father.

    It is opined that Bill Clinton committed racist hate crimes, and I am not free to say anything further about it.

    Respectfully Submitted by Andrew Y. Wang, J.D. Candidate

    B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996

    Messiah College, Grantham, PA

    Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

    (I can type 90 words per minute, and there are probably thousands of copies on the Internet indicating the content of this post. Moreover, there are innumerable copies in very many countries around the world.)

    _________________

    “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memories so they never got stale and faded.” Off the top of my head—it came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.

  6. Speaking of Chelsea Clinton:

    There is bad news about her father.

    It is opined that Bill Clinton committed racist hate crimes, and I am not free to say anything further about it.

    Respectfully Submitted by Andrew Y. Wang, J.D. Candidate
    B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996
    Messiah College, Grantham, PA
    Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

    (I can type 90 words per minute, and there are probably thousands of copies on the Internet indicating the content of this post. Moreover, there are innumerable copies in very many countries around the world.)
    _________________
    “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memories so they never got stale and faded.” Off the top of my head—it came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.

  7. Way to misquote, folks. The report does not call vegetarians, political enthusiasts or atheists terrorists, it only says that Twitter is used by a large number of different groups to communicate various things. Social activism is not terrorism, in case you weren’t aware. The bit of text before the copied quote reads:

    For example the earthquake that occurred in Los Angeles on July 29, 2008 was reported via a Twitter member approximately four minutes prior to the information being reported by the news and within minutes there were hundreds of Tweets from people experiencing the earthquake first hand.

    I don’t hear you saying they call earthquake victims terrorists, though.

  8. Way to misquote, folks. The report does not call vegetarians, political enthusiasts or atheists terrorists, it only says that Twitter is used by a large number of different groups to communicate various things. Social activism is not terrorism, in case you weren't aware. The bit of text before the copied quote reads:

    For example the earthquake that occurred in Los Angeles on July 29, 2008 was reported via a Twitter member approximately four minutes prior to the information being reported by the news and within minutes there were hundreds of Tweets from people experiencing the earthquake first hand.

    I don't hear you saying they call earthquake victims terrorists, though.

  9. It's because hippies are terrorist, and that includes vegans, vegetarians, anyone who can put two and two together (intelligent people are terrorists aha) and artists, musicians, people who create things in general as can have anti-democratic motives.

    ***this section has been removed due to inappropriate language, anti-US ideology and keywords popular in terrorist communication***

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