The Election Through the Lens of Dungeons & Dragons

Thanks to the awesome brilliance of Livejournal user somehedgehog, D&D fans everywhere are laughing so hard they’re reaching for the Depends. In honor of the election, somehedgehog imagined what a game of D&D would be like if Barack Obama, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Joe Biden, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul were playing together.  If you’re at all familiar with D&D, I suggest you put down your drink now, lest you spit it all over your monitor.

GM:  OK, the bugbear attacks you.  What do you do?

OBAMA: I send one of my 672 henchmen after it.

MCCAIN:  OK, seriously.  Why does he have so many henchmen?  I’m a level 72 ranger and he’s only a level 8 paladin.

OBAMA:  Well, if you’d bought the Grassroots Organizing and Oratory/Colgate Smile proficiencies you could min max it so that you…

MCCAIN: Why is he even IN this campaign? I thought this was supposed to be a high level party.

OBAMA: Well, maybe some people got tired of the grim and squinty “Matterhorn, son of Marathon” shtick you keep doing.  Dude, could you be any less original?

MCCAIN: Oh my god, I did not leave my left nut in a tiger cage in the Tomb of Horrors to spend my Friday nights mopping up after the new kid.

OBAMA: “My friends, I am a totally unoriginal grizzled character class stereotype.  I should lead the party because I have more testicular damage than that one.”

MCCAIN: Yeah, well, you pal around with dark elves.

OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN’T.

MCCAIN: Whatever, so’s your mom.

OBAMA: So’s your FACE.

MCCAIN: So’s your Mom’s face!

HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?

MCCAIN: Hilary, we’ve been over this.

HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can’t even use a sword. Fuck this noise.

KUCINICH: IM A BARD

OBAMA: That’s nice.

KUCINICH: MY FAMILIAR IS A PURPLE SNOW LEOPARD

MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

KUCINICH: DID I MENTION MY WIFE IS A TOTALLY BANGIN DRYAD WITH 20 CHARISMA

The Kucinich lines in particular are gold. It’s hilarious to imagine all of these political figures sitting around a table concentrating intensely on transferring damage and exploring caves. Just imagine John McCain, hunched over the table, wielding his cane like it’s Crenshinibon but totally powerless under Obama’s unfaltering epic paladin charisma and strength of will.

Read the rest over at somehedgehog’s Livejournal!

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4 Responses to The Election Through the Lens of Dungeons & Dragons

  1. Quick error comment: check the lines, especially in the beginning. The line before “OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN’T” is omitted and it makes it weird to read.

  2. Quick error comment: check the lines, especially in the beginning. The line before "OBAMA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T" is omitted and it makes it weird to read.

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