Darth Vader escapes prison sentence for assault

By Mark O’Neill

The long-running saga of the assault on the British Jedi’s ended today when Darth Vader escaped a prison sentence and was instead ordered to pay fines totalling 260 British pounds ($500). He was also given a suspended prison sentence.

The judge was on the verge of sending the Dark Lord to prison for the maximum possible term but abruptly changed his mind when Vader lifted his hand and waved it from side to side, while at the same time telling the judge that he “found his lack of faith disturbing”.

After leaving the court, Vader held an impromptu press conference.

Vader seemed to be particularly outraged by the prosecution’s assertion that he was holding a crutch. “It’s not a CRUTCH!” he thundered, “that’s the Lightsaber Dark Side 3000 model! It has a nice grip along with an engraved inscription from the Emperor thanking me for my long and faithful service to the Empire! I resent you calling it a crutch!”

But he did admit he was drunk.

“Well….” he said grudgingly, “you see, business has been a bit bad for the Empire lately, what with the Rebel scum doing so well, so the Emperor and I have been setting up our own distillery to make ends meet. We thought we’d bring out our own Empire whisky! So I was testing it you see, and I had one too many, and well…..one thing led to another….you know how it goes love…”

And what now for the Sith Lord? What are his future plans?

“I plan to make the Death Star fully operational! Nothing can stop us now….”

Yawn.  So nothing new then…..

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