British Judge Issues Arrest Warrant For Darth Vader

By Mark O’Neill

You’d be forgiven for thinking that this is a Saturday Night Live sketch but trust me, this is all true.

I’ve previously posted on how Jedi Master Barney Jones (co-founder of the UK Church of the Jedi) was attacked by Darth Vader, while being interviewed for British TV. Well, it seems that the local police caught the Dark Lord and Mr Vader was ordered to appear in court on assault charges.

But Vader, being the tough Sith Lord that he is, decided not to turn up (he’s too busy crushing the rebel scum!) so the judge issued a warrant for his arrest! I never thought I would see the day when a judge issues an arrest warrant for Darth Vader! Can you imagine a police officer going round to Vader’s house to enforce the warrant? “Er…yes…I have a warrant here for your arrest…..oh wait, I find my lack of faith disturbing….have a nice day.”

Upon issuing the warrant, the brave judge said : “I hope the force will soon be with him.”

In the end, Vader, a.k.a. Arwel Wynne Hughes, turned up and admitted the charges. In his defence, he said he had a chronic alcohol problem. I’m not surprised. He built Death Stars and they got blown up. He recruited stormtroopers who got beaten up by Ewoks. He hired commanders who were as effective as a wet blanket. Then he found out his son is Mark Hamill. If I was Vader, I’d have an alcohol problem too.