Here’s one of mine, **what’s YOURS?**

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.

**The person who tells me the funniest geek Joke I’ve never heard about gets a free shirt from our T-Shirt store! Ready? Go!**

A classic one… but my favorite however :

There is 10 types of people : those who can count in binary, and the others.

And those who weren't expecting a joke in base 3.

My favorite:

What did the philandering string theorist say to his wife when she caught him?

Hold on, I can explain everything!

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

Two atoms walk into a bar. One says, “Damnit! I just lost an electron!” The other atom says, “Are you sure?” The first one says, “I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a drink. The bartender sizes up the neutron and says "For you… no charge!"

hey, I'm Schrodinger,

and this is crazy,

but can in box is,

alive maybe

Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I can tell you where I am."

A police officer pulls over a car driven by an electron. He walks up to the car's window and says to the electron. "Do you know how fast you were going sir?"

The electron replies,

"No, but I know where I am."

Hey! Only friends can have access to my privates!!

(programming)

Why do java developers need glasses? Because they can't c#

Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard , were having dinner in

a restaurant. They were arguing about the average

mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard

claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe

maintained that it was surpassingly high.

"I'll tell you what, "said Richard, "when I get back from the

bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If

she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?"

they agreed, but once he'd left Joe called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he's going to

ask you a question; you should respond "one third x cubed'

no matter what the question is; got that? There's twenty

bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.

Richard returned from the men's room and called the

waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated,

"incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained.

She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling

noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm,

one third x cubed?"

Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the

check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her

breath, "… plus a constant."

Enough with all the science, chemistry, and math jokes… we just need to Barium.

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt

A psychiatrist decides to do an experiment with an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician. For 1 week, he locks each in a room with nothing but bottles of water and cans of beans. After a week, he checks on each. In the engineers room he finds the cans of beans are broken into jagged pieces and the engineer is well fed. The psychiatrist asks the engineer, "What did you do?" The engineer responds, "Well, I found the tensile strength of the can and overcame it."

The psychiatrist nods, makes a couple note the checks on the next room. Inside is a well fed physicist surrounded by cans, each with a dent in exactly the same place and the lid popped open. The psychiatrist asks the physicist, "What did you do?" The physicist responds, "Well I calculated where on the can I could dent so all the force would be directed to the lid."

The psychiatrist nods, makes a couple note the checks on the next room. Inside the cans of beans are left almost exactly as they started with only one missing. The psychiatrist looks around until he finally finds the mathematician in a corner, grasping a can of beans, rocking back and forth, saying

"I define the can as open…I define the can as open…I define the can as open."

How many Pakleds does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They need Geordi. Geordi is smart.

Or…

How many Starfleet Engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?

Daaamn girl, you might be f"(x) because you just accelerated my heart.

Pascal is in a restaurant finishing dinner. The waiter comes over and asks, Would m'sieur care to look at teh dessert menu? Pascal replied, I think not. And disappeared.

Now! With 100% fewer typos and brain-farts!

Pascal was in a restaurant finishing dinner. The waiter came over and asked, Would m'sieur care to look at the dessert menu? Pascal replied, I think not. And disappeared.

Why are barium, helium, and curium called the medical elements?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

I’d tell you a UDP joke but you might not get it.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they'll make darness the new standard.

Gotta love that one… especially after having to wrestle with IE 6 for a few years…

darkness*

A little sketchy, but I don't think of it as offensive.

Why do white supremacists only program in python?

Because they think whitespace matters.

How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a silver lightbulb? 1 to change the lightbulb, 35 to make it not work for anyone else.

You know, Milk used to have culture before Pasteur Came along…

My phone is a Motorola Photon, And I can't tell if it's made of particles or waves.

Your jokes are bad and you should feel bad (/) (°,,,°) (/)

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

Sodium

BATMAN !

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

…Because it was polar.

One I came up with while I was in college, studying computer science. If you're not a software geek, you probably won't get it:

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it – that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office naked and wrapped in cellophane. The psychiatrist says to him: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are standing in front of a house, observing. During this time, two people enter the house and three come out. 'Ah! It's a nice example of reproduction', the biologist says. 'I think it's a faulty measurement', the physicist says. The mathematician responds: 'I think if one person enters the house now, the house will be empty again' …

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were all going hunting together. While crouched behind a fallen log, a huge buck walked out in front of them. The physicist shot first, but missed three yards to the left. Taking wind resistance into account, the engineer fired next, but missed three yards to the right. The statistician then began jumping up and down excitedly, yelling "we got him! We got him!"

Why did the Möbius strip cross the road? To get to the other si,,,,,, oh.

two guys walk into a bar, the first one asks"cani have a glass of H2O?" the second one asks "can i have a glass of H2O too."

the second one dies.

A biologist, physicist and mathematician are hiking and see a white goat. The biologist says: "Clearly white goats live here!". Physicist replies: "No, the only think we can say is, that at least one white goat lives here.". And mathematician says: "gentleman, we can only say that here lives at least one goat which is from at least one side white"

And another one: (sorry for my poor english)

How to determine ones proffesion with question "Are all odd numbers greater than two primes?"

Lawyer – "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9, there are not enough evidence that 9 isn't a prime, …

Traveling salesman – "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, 13 is a prime, 17 is a prime, …"

Psychologist – "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 isn't a prime but it's in denial, …

Statistician – "Let's pick on random – 23 is a prime, 223 is a prime, 1993 is a prime – it is probaby true…"

Engeneer – "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, …"

Physicist – "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is experimental error, …"

Programmer – "3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 5 is a prime, …"

Two cats are on a ramp, which one slides down?

The one with with the smaller mew.

I just want to go on record that I think that Newton FORCED his way into winning at hide and go seek!

What do neutrinos and I have in common?

We’re both constantly penetrating your mom.

Jimmy was a chemist

Jimmy is no more

For what Jimmy thought was water

Was H2SO4

A higgs boson walks into a catholic church. The pastor says, " You can't be here!" to which the higgs boson answers " but father without me how do you expect to have Mass

Who was the first computer tech?

Eve. She had an Apple in one hand, and a Wang in the other…

What's the internal temperature of a Taun Taun? Luke warm…..

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Doea a megabyte hurt?

It megahertz!

If I were en enzyme, I'd be DNAhelicase so I could unzip your genes

what's a polar bear?… a rectangular bear with a change of coordinates

Son: Dad, if you have 4 apples in one hand, and 5 apples in the other hand, what do you have?

Dad: Well son, you have 9 apples.

Son: True, but your missing the point. You've got freakishly large hands!

in the functions party, exponencial function was isolated. binomial function asked: "why don't you integrate with us." it replied: " i tried, but nothing hapenned!"

The wife of a programmer asked him to go to the store:

P: Sure, honey, what do you need?

W: Well, get one quart of milk, and if they have eggs, get six.

So, he goes to the store, and when he returns, he has six quarts of milk.

W: Why did you buy six quarts of milk?

P: They had eggs.