By Derek Clark
Contributing Writer, [GAS]
Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. For some of us it’ll just be another Monday night spent crying into our Star Wars pillowcase. A lucky few will probably get laid. But for the rest of us, with just the right mix of charm and alcohol, we might actually convince someone to do the tongue tango.
French kissing, why do we do it? No other species of animals on the planet seem eager to tickle each other’s tonsils. (Unless you count the White-Fronted Parrot. After these crazy birds open their beaks and touch tongues, the male spews his lunch onto the female’s chest. Sexy, I know.) Of course, many animals kiss or show affection through touching in some way. But we humans seem to be the only ones interested in swapping spit.
Turns out scientists have a few ideas about why we love to suck face. Research scientist, Sheril Kirshenbaum explains in her book, “The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us,” that the most important and obvious reason why we French kiss is to facilitate reproduction. It seems women use this mouth-to-mouth contact as a way to judge the taste of the tongue, lips and saliva to see if she is with an adequate mate. In a way, women can smell when a man’s immune system genes (called MHC) are matched well to her own. Kissing someone with too close an MHC complex might produce subconscious cues akin to kissing your brother or sister, good protection against inbreeding. (Even though many “stars” of reality television seem to present evidence to the contrary.)
But what about the guys? No surprise here. To men, French kissing equals foreplay. Studies suggest that males pass along small amounts of testosterone through their saliva, priming their mate for sexual intercourse. Scientists are currently studying Charlie Sheen’s gargantuan saliva glands for more possible answers.
So, if you think you’ll find yourself this Valentine’s Day with the opportunity to explore the inside of someone else’s mouth, here’s a short list of the types of French kissers you might want to avoid or avoid being…
The Saint Bernard–someone who slobbers way too much, leaving their partner’s face looking like a microwaved glazed donut.
The Wrecking Ball–someone who lunges in so hard they clank their teeth against the other person’s, breaking more than the moment and possibly leaving their partner with the smile of a hockey player.
The Meat Grinder–someone who forgets (or doesn’t care) that they have braces and like a Saw film proceeds to attack their partner’s tongue and lips with their cheese grater grill.
Vlad the Impaler–someone who repeatedly shoves their Gene Simmons-sized tongue down their partner’s throat, testing their gag reflex.
The Black Hole–someone who feels the need to open their mouth as wide as they can like a snake trying to devour an ostrich egg.
The Hoover–someone who suddenly starts sucking on their partner’s tongue like a runaway vacuum cleaner hose.
The Toxic Avenger–someone with terrible breath, as if the entire cast of a bad Troma movie died in their mouth…months ago.
The Puffer Fish–someone who’s suddenly forgotten how to breathe through their nose and ends up exhaling into their partner’s mouth, filling their cheeks with hot, muggy breath.
The Stevie Wonder–someone who’s always way off the mark and keeps bobbing and weaving around their partner’s face in search of the right spot.
The Dentist–someone who slides their tongue all over their partner’s teeth giving them an unwanted dental cleaning.
The Baby Bird–someone who annoyingly reacts like a hungry baby bird seeing its mother every time their partner appears, instinctively opening their mouth and lunging at them until they give them the worm hiding in their mouth.
Mr. or Ms. Rigor Mortis–someone that’s either too paralyzed by the fear of doing it wrong or simply refuses to move, expecting their partner to do all the work.
The Lizard-Someone who sticks his tongue in and out of his mouth rhythmically, without caring if it’s inside your mouth, on your cheek, or onto mere air.
Hopefully, you can avoid most of these French kissing villains this Valentine’s Day. If not, then I’ll save a dry spot on my Star Wars pillowcase for you.
If you’re wondering where the term ‘French Kiss’ came from, I’ll let this hot Russian expert explain it…
And if this post wasn’t geeky enough for you, here’s a clip of two robots kissing…